So a while back I went on a date with this guy who is known about town to be a playa. That's right...playa with an "a", not an "er". Granted he's super good looking, has a great job and is loaded. He has dated two or three of my friends, none of whom had stellar commentary about him, so that probably should have been my first sign.
Anyway, we went on said date (which was non-discript and rather vanilla, so I'll spare you the boring details). At the end of the date, he walked me to my car. At the end of a first date I have had men shake my hand, try to high-school make out, Grandma kiss, etc. But this is the first time I had someone kiss my forehead. You got it...my forehead. Which would have been great if he were my dad, or we had been dating for a long time. But it was a first date. Come on now! He was about a foot taller that I am, so I thought maybe it was a logistical issue and he would go in for a second attempt. Nothing.
Since he never called me again, of course I had to start telling people about him. A couple weeks later I was at a private party happy hour deal, holding court, telling my forehead kisser story to about ten people. As I am standing there finishing up my story I say, "...now ladies and gentlemen, please don't all turn around at once, but the Forehead Kisser has entered the building." You heard me...he had come to this happy hour thing with one of my neighbors. Naturally, all ten heads turned around at once and stared at him. He was so uncomfortable he spent the rest of the evening running away from me. So mature.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Yikes! Stalker Boy update!!!
I went out with this guy some time in July and I had to involve the police in getting rid of him, so I have been pretty happy that I haven't heard from him. Until today.
I got an email from him that said:
I got an email from him that said:
Hi. At least read my email. Thank you. Hopefully you remember me.
I certainly remember you. I thought you were very pretty, smart
and easy to be around. That's important. Somehow (unknown to me),
I managed to offend you. I thought we had a good first
encounter at Bonefish remember. We all have some type of shortcoming.
Maybe we could try again. I think you're great.
At least give me a chance.
Do I remember you? Of course, I remember you! You called me 15 times a day! You own not one, but two escort services! You're still married! You're hard to forget. And you won't merit a response to your email.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Another update on my self-inflicted wound
This is what it looks like when you take off your bandages off your second degree burns. Nice scars, huh?
Stalker Boy
Everyone should have a stalker at least once in their lives. More than that you might have to start thinking it's not them...it's you.
Earlier this summer I went on a date with a guy I met on match (surprise!). After sending the requisite email to friends with as much info as I had on him so in case I went missing CSI would have somewhere to start looking, I met him for a drink at Bonefish. He seemed reasonably normal when we met, dressed well, good conversation, well mannered. At the end of the date he said he had to confess a couple things, since I had harped on honesty earlier that night and he wanted to see me again.
As soon as he said this, my first question was "Are you still married?". Of course he was, divorce to be finalized later this year. After that response I had already mentally written him off when he said there was more. Turns out he owns not one, but TWO escort services! And he gave me the website for them! Still not sure if this was as recruiting effort or not, but I digress.
Anyway, after that I definitely decided not to see him again. As soon as I got home I checked out the websites and sure enough, they were for real. He called me 20 minutes after I had left the restaurant to say he had a good time and hoped I would see him again. Too soon, buddy. Much too soon.
When I got up the next morning and had gotten an email from him saying if he didn't hear from me, he would assume I wasn't interested in s second date. I'm thinking this is cool. I won't have to do anything and won't have to hurt his feelings by telling him he's a freak and I wanted nothing to do with him.
That's when it started getting annoying. I knew what his cell number was, so when it showed up on my caller ID, I started ignoring it. He was calling me about 8 times a day, so this became a pain. Then a number shows up on caller ID that is one number up from mine (my cell ends in 3896, this number was the same as mine ending in 3897). I answered it out of sheer curiosity, and it's HIM! One of my super smart girlfriends told me there's a way to change the caller ID so you can pick what shows up. All this by dialing some number before the number you're calling (look it up on the internet...instructions are there somewhere). Anyway, calls started showing up with all kinds of numbers, meaning I wasn't answering anything that wasn't in my phone book.
In all, I was probably getting 8-10 phone calls, voice mails, IMs, texts or emails every day for about two weeks. I didn't respond to a single one, so you'd think the guy could take a hint. After two weeks I finally had to have some of my friends on the Cincinnati Police Dept. step in and have a conversation with the guy. Funny. He doesn't call me any more.
And in case you're wondering, 12 hours with an escort runs $2400 here in Cincy. A relative bargain, I'm sure, compared to other big cities.
Earlier this summer I went on a date with a guy I met on match (surprise!). After sending the requisite email to friends with as much info as I had on him so in case I went missing CSI would have somewhere to start looking, I met him for a drink at Bonefish. He seemed reasonably normal when we met, dressed well, good conversation, well mannered. At the end of the date he said he had to confess a couple things, since I had harped on honesty earlier that night and he wanted to see me again.
As soon as he said this, my first question was "Are you still married?". Of course he was, divorce to be finalized later this year. After that response I had already mentally written him off when he said there was more. Turns out he owns not one, but TWO escort services! And he gave me the website for them! Still not sure if this was as recruiting effort or not, but I digress.
Anyway, after that I definitely decided not to see him again. As soon as I got home I checked out the websites and sure enough, they were for real. He called me 20 minutes after I had left the restaurant to say he had a good time and hoped I would see him again. Too soon, buddy. Much too soon.
When I got up the next morning and had gotten an email from him saying if he didn't hear from me, he would assume I wasn't interested in s second date. I'm thinking this is cool. I won't have to do anything and won't have to hurt his feelings by telling him he's a freak and I wanted nothing to do with him.
That's when it started getting annoying. I knew what his cell number was, so when it showed up on my caller ID, I started ignoring it. He was calling me about 8 times a day, so this became a pain. Then a number shows up on caller ID that is one number up from mine (my cell ends in 3896, this number was the same as mine ending in 3897). I answered it out of sheer curiosity, and it's HIM! One of my super smart girlfriends told me there's a way to change the caller ID so you can pick what shows up. All this by dialing some number before the number you're calling (look it up on the internet...instructions are there somewhere). Anyway, calls started showing up with all kinds of numbers, meaning I wasn't answering anything that wasn't in my phone book.
In all, I was probably getting 8-10 phone calls, voice mails, IMs, texts or emails every day for about two weeks. I didn't respond to a single one, so you'd think the guy could take a hint. After two weeks I finally had to have some of my friends on the Cincinnati Police Dept. step in and have a conversation with the guy. Funny. He doesn't call me any more.
And in case you're wondering, 12 hours with an escort runs $2400 here in Cincy. A relative bargain, I'm sure, compared to other big cities.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
My Five Day "Relationship" with Dayton Boy
A couple of weeks ago I met this guy on match.com (yes, I'm on match. No, I'm not embarrassed. At least not anymore.) that we'll call Dayton Boy. Dayton Boy was great. On paper, he was fabulous. In real life he exposed me to a whole different level of crazy. Allow me to map it out for you...
SUNDAY - I talked to him on the phone for over two hours. That's right, two hours. He is a practicing Catholic, Republican, built, employed....perfect for me. So far so good. We decide to meet for drinks at a place half way between my place and his (he live about an hour north from me) on Monday.
MONDAY - The date went fine. We had drinks and some snackies. Great conversation, better looking than his pictures, nice evening all the way around. We set up a second date for Wednesday night.
TUESDAY - Dayton Boy owns his own company, which allows him ample flexibility with his schedule. I assume this since he called me no fewer than five times and sent me about 35 text messages. This is also the day he called me and said he wanted to marry me.
I had to cut off the text messages, so I told him I was going to dinner and might text when I got home. Didn't really go anywhere, just needed to stop texting. Anyway, I got a text at 10:15pm asking if I was home yet. Then I got a phone call at 11pm asking if I was home. And asking if I would call him when I got in. NOT!
WEDNESDAY - Easily received 40 text messages from him. We had plans to meet at 6:30 by my house. I said I would meet him half way so he didn't have to drive all the way down, but he insisted on coming to Cincy (which is over an hour in traffic). He shows up at 6:30, we get drinks and dinner and get back to his car at 9:45pm. He has this crabby look on his face and I ask what's wrong. he does the pouty three-year-old "NOTHING!" response, so I say OK and go home.
For the next hour I got 20 text messages telling me how mad he was because I didn't spend enough time with him. Guess three hours on a school night on a date with someone I've known for 3 days wasn't enough. I finally tell him I have to go to bed and we'll talk about it in the morning.
THURSDAY - Got 50 texts and five phone calls.This was the day he told me he was expecting I would "fall all over him" a little more. Guess that's what he's used to from women. Needless to say, that was when I had to send the text message (that's right, a break up text message) to tell him to get lost.
SUNDAY - I talked to him on the phone for over two hours. That's right, two hours. He is a practicing Catholic, Republican, built, employed....perfect for me. So far so good. We decide to meet for drinks at a place half way between my place and his (he live about an hour north from me) on Monday.
MONDAY - The date went fine. We had drinks and some snackies. Great conversation, better looking than his pictures, nice evening all the way around. We set up a second date for Wednesday night.
TUESDAY - Dayton Boy owns his own company, which allows him ample flexibility with his schedule. I assume this since he called me no fewer than five times and sent me about 35 text messages. This is also the day he called me and said he wanted to marry me.
I had to cut off the text messages, so I told him I was going to dinner and might text when I got home. Didn't really go anywhere, just needed to stop texting. Anyway, I got a text at 10:15pm asking if I was home yet. Then I got a phone call at 11pm asking if I was home. And asking if I would call him when I got in. NOT!
WEDNESDAY - Easily received 40 text messages from him. We had plans to meet at 6:30 by my house. I said I would meet him half way so he didn't have to drive all the way down, but he insisted on coming to Cincy (which is over an hour in traffic). He shows up at 6:30, we get drinks and dinner and get back to his car at 9:45pm. He has this crabby look on his face and I ask what's wrong. he does the pouty three-year-old "NOTHING!" response, so I say OK and go home.
For the next hour I got 20 text messages telling me how mad he was because I didn't spend enough time with him. Guess three hours on a school night on a date with someone I've known for 3 days wasn't enough. I finally tell him I have to go to bed and we'll talk about it in the morning.
THURSDAY - Got 50 texts and five phone calls.This was the day he told me he was expecting I would "fall all over him" a little more. Guess that's what he's used to from women. Needless to say, that was when I had to send the text message (that's right, a break up text message) to tell him to get lost.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Upate on my self-inflicted wound...
When we last left our super hero, I was sporting a nasty burn. On Friday it got worse, so at the prompting of Sarah, I went to the doctor. Surprise! Second degree burns! Only me.
Oh, and people don't really think the real story about how I hurt myself is interesting enough. So far, the ones they have made up have included:
1. It was a hot wax sex act gone bad (I believe the direct quote from the Gay Posse was...Ice cubes! You need hot wax AND ice cubes for it to be a good hurt!!!)
2. I'm Angelina Jolie's stunt double on her next movie and I hurt myself, which is why I have a burn and a limp.
3. I ran into a burning building to save a (insert item here...cat, dog, child, grandma).
4. Too much booze. Much too much booze.
Let me know you can come up with something better. The bandage come off tomorrow, so I need something good when people comment on the scars from the burns.
Oh, and people don't really think the real story about how I hurt myself is interesting enough. So far, the ones they have made up have included:
1. It was a hot wax sex act gone bad (I believe the direct quote from the Gay Posse was...Ice cubes! You need hot wax AND ice cubes for it to be a good hurt!!!)
2. I'm Angelina Jolie's stunt double on her next movie and I hurt myself, which is why I have a burn and a limp.
3. I ran into a burning building to save a (insert item here...cat, dog, child, grandma).
4. Too much booze. Much too much booze.
Let me know you can come up with something better. The bandage come off tomorrow, so I need something good when people comment on the scars from the burns.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
just call me a dork...
So last night I started to get ready for bed. I have a whole bunch of pillows on my bed that I arrange prior to falling asleep. I threw one pillow, figuring it would make it on to the floor. It did, but first made a pit stop on the nightstand and grazed a candle and started on fire.
Needless to say, all that polyester went up in flames in a flash. In my panic, I grab the pillow, but on the part that was on fire. Parts of the burning pillow stuck to my hand, the sheets and the carpet. I ran some water on myhand before I went to bed, thinking it would be OK. Taking a look at the burns this morning, I'm noticing I may have been mistaken.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Changing things up...
OK, so this blog used to be about my progress after my knee replacement surgery. Now that I'm six months post surgery, I thought I should come up with something else to blog about. So I have chosen dating. And maybe job hunting. Who knows. Anything goes at this point, since I have some free time on my hands.
To protect the innocent, not so innocent and the stupid, I might have had to change some names and details. Don't try too hard to figure out who these people are (even though I do live in the world's biggest small town and you might be able to figure it out).
So this past Sunday my friend Mia and I went to tailgate at the Bengals game. Didn't want to go to the game necessarily (since they're so bad it's tough to watch), just wanted to have some beers and see some friends. As we were standing in the parking lot a bunch of guys walked past us towards the stadium entrance. One of them was good looking (I thought), so I mentioned it to Missy.
She decides to call him over and find out his name. Bengal Boy and I trade numbers. He sends me a couple of text messages during the game wanting me to meet him and his buddies somewhere in Mainstrasse after the game. Right...like I'm going to meet some random drunk strangers in Kentucky. Anyway, I told him I was busy and he suggested we meet for drinks on Monday night. Meeting location was public, in the daylight and at a nice place, so I figured no harm in meeting for a drink.
Monday morning I get a very sweet "good morning, looking forward to seeing you" text. Get a couple more nice messages that morning. I'm thinking this guy is going to win Date of the Week!
I had lunch with Missy that day and during lunch I get a text that reads:
To protect the innocent, not so innocent and the stupid, I might have had to change some names and details. Don't try too hard to figure out who these people are (even though I do live in the world's biggest small town and you might be able to figure it out).
So this past Sunday my friend Mia and I went to tailgate at the Bengals game. Didn't want to go to the game necessarily (since they're so bad it's tough to watch), just wanted to have some beers and see some friends. As we were standing in the parking lot a bunch of guys walked past us towards the stadium entrance. One of them was good looking (I thought), so I mentioned it to Missy.
She decides to call him over and find out his name. Bengal Boy and I trade numbers. He sends me a couple of text messages during the game wanting me to meet him and his buddies somewhere in Mainstrasse after the game. Right...like I'm going to meet some random drunk strangers in Kentucky. Anyway, I told him I was busy and he suggested we meet for drinks on Monday night. Meeting location was public, in the daylight and at a nice place, so I figured no harm in meeting for a drink.
Monday morning I get a very sweet "good morning, looking forward to seeing you" text. Get a couple more nice messages that morning. I'm thinking this guy is going to win Date of the Week!
I had lunch with Missy that day and during lunch I get a text that reads:
Hey there. I didn't get to spend much time talking before the game.
I might have forgotten to mention that I have a wife.
Hope that doesn't put a dent in things.
My response was:
Wives get in the way.
No dice on our date tonight.
So obviously I didn't go on the date. And after Missy and most of the employees of the Hamilton County Courthouse made fun of me, I wrote it off as one of those funny Cincinnati things.
So later that afternoon I walk home from the bank. As I get to the Walgreens I notice a very handsome man walking towards me. As he gets closer I take a good look and who do you think it is???? That's right...it's Bengal Boy!!!! He looks me square in the eye, gets flustered, blood drains from his face and he jumps in the middle of the street to cross to the other side, coming very close to getting hit by a car in the process. All this to avoid contact with me. Serves him right, scumbag.
I used to think stuff like this only happens in Cincy. Now I'm starting to think stuff like this only happens to me.
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